An Unbiased Criticism of Halloween



Five scary Halloween pumpkins stare menacingly toward you under a full moon.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

It seems that many people this year are extremely disappointed that they can’t go out into random neighborhoods with their incompetent friends, dressed up as whatever the latest fad is with cheap, loose, plastic costumes. I hardly see the tragedy; it appears much of the population has forgotten how much of a nuisance Halloween is. Trick-or-treating hardly ever reaps bountiful rewards unless you live in a neighborhood where almost every house has a lawn and a giant inflatable gimmick. Typically, the Halloween haul consists of 2 musty lollipops, a melted Reece’s Cup, and a handful of stale Tootsie Rolls. Thankfully, there’s nothing I enjoy more than snacking on a piece of chocolate that tastes like it’s been left in someone’s closet for the past five years (chances are, it was). There’s also the local comedian who thinks it’s the funniest thing to give a child some floss or a toothbrush. Personally, I’ve enjoyed a little chuckle every time I threw them out the night after. The polar opposite of those clowns are the people who leave a big bowl of goodies out with a sign that usually reads “Please take one! Thank you.” Those godsends can be a pot of gold at the end of what is generally a cold and uneventful night. Unfortunately, most of the time the tykes dressed as some hysterical matching pun with their parents get their grubby little paws all in there, so agility is key. But it’s hard to be agile in itchy fabric and ill-fitting masks, so I wouldn’t condemn taking the entire bowl. Overall, this holiday hasn’t been fun since you were in 3rd grade, so quit while you’re ahead and take down the spiders you already put on your windows – you aren’t fooling anyone.