Die Hard in Rhyme

It’s that time of year, so I’ve made it my mission

To give unto you my winter tradition.

The spirit of the season, “what is it”, you ask?

Is it peppermint, snow, no classroom tasks?

Sit down by the fire, watch the log become charred,

For the answer you seek is – what else – Die Hard!


Traveling to L.A. for Christmas by plane

Is our everyman hero, Mr. John McClane.

John dislikes travel by air,

But from a helpful stranger he receives great care.

“Upon your arrival,” the stranger goes,

“Take off your socks and make fists with your toes.”


John meets his driver, Argyle’s the name,

Who will take him to meet Mrs. Holly McClane.

The duo arrive and Argyle swears,

He’ll wait for McClane and hold his stuffed bear.

After entering the building, John’s met with surprise,

For “Gennaro” is the name on Holly’s high rise.


John argues with Holly about the name change

While down in the lobby, evil plans to arrange

A daring takeover of Nakatomi Tower

Are led by Hans Gruber, the German in power.

“Ode to Joy” plays as the phone lines are sliced

As Gruber and Co. start up the heist.


As the gunmen grab Takagi for Gruber to meet,

John slips out the back, now in bare feet.

Tony hunts McClane, yet when he turns his back,

McClane pushes him downstairs and his neck goes “crack!”

To terrorist demands, Takagi resists.

Gruber smirks and chuckles: “Who said we’re terrorists?”


The elevator opens on the 30th floor,

And Karl sees his brother, without life anymore.

“I want blood!” Karl yells. Gruber says it will be done.

And he reads John’s message, “Now I Have A Machine Gun.”

McClane radios for help, the cops think he’s a loon.

Yet when gunfire is heard, they change their tune.


Al Powell’s dispatched while grabbing Twinkies for the wife

To investigate the Tower and find the cause of the strife.

The terrorist at reception says nothing’s awry,

But when a body lands outside, Al sees that’s a lie.

The SWAT team is called, and ‘copters fill up the skies.

After a tank is blown up, they need some more FBIs.


Gruber has had it, this cowboy must pay.

John’s only response is “Yippee-Ki-Yay!”

Hans goes on the hunt and catches John’s scent,

Though McClane catches Gruber, who fools him with accent.

Hans calls his men, and it does come to pass,

That McClane has no shoes. Hans says “Shoot the glass!”


Bloodied and barefoot, McClane does retreat

And on the radio with Powell, gives heartfelt speech.

John won’t stop ‘til he topples Hans’s reign

And dutifully saves Mrs. Holly McClane.

John’s on the ropes, his back’s against the wall,

But Powell assures him to give it his all.


Meanwhile at the party, slimy executive Ellis,

Makes a deal with Gruber, one which makes him quite zealous.

Ellis reveals John is NYPD

In exchange for the robbers leaving him be.

Hans kills him anyway, and takes sharp aim

At Holly when he sees her last name is McClane.


The robbers have plans for one last diversion, 

And scheme to hatch an insidious subversion.

All of the hostages are sent to the roof’s helipad

Where charges are set to cause an explosion so bad.

John saves the hostages, but the rooftop still blows

Forcing John to rappel with a nearby firehose.


Theo tries to escape using Hans Gruber’s van,

But Argyle stops him, he isn’t a fan.

McClane’s had enough, all of this ends tonight

He shoots Hans with his gun, hidden from sight.

Gruber crashes through a window, all out of plans.

As Hans Gruber falls, John says “Happy Trails, Hans!”